Things 2021 disabused me of

If 2020 was a year of introspection, 2021 was a year of reconnection.

I have reconnected with people that I haven’t spoken to or seen for years and it felt extremely good especially since this time we will keep in touch.

Sometime in summer, I realized that we shouldn’t use the posesive pronoun when referring to people or any beings for that matter* because we do not own them, or we shouldn’t. I guess only vegans will understand why the chicken is not “yours” as it has the same right to live freely as you do, but I hope anyone can understand why a friend, lover or even child isn’t “yours” as they belong to themselves only. Instead of saying “my friend” you can say “friend of mine”. It may seem less personal, but it implies their choice to be a friend to you, a choice you are not entitled to. It is a gift from them.

I still call people mine, it’s a process. Moreover, I want to stop myself from calling someone “my beauty” or other nicknames that imply some sort of ownership or obiectification, like calling the last person I’ve been in love with “dove”, or turning someone into a muse. One can choose to be a muse, but I would wonder why someone would choose to self obiectify themselves. Just so we are clear, a muse is not a source of inspiration, one can be inspirational without being a muse, which is The source of inspiration and implies an expectation to keep inspiring the other one. I noticed there is a desire and pleasure for loved ones of artists to be their muse. I would stay away from that, it is not healthy for the relationship.

This reasoning came from my latest finished project, Everything is nature, which amongst other things got me thinking how we use the word “nature” in a way that separates us from it, which is wrong since we are part of it. Even if this may seem obvious to you as you read this, think about how you use the word. However, this idea is older in me and not the scope of this post.

Alternatively, word language is, along with the realization that we do not use it to achieve a clear communication. Clarity cannot be manipulative. I haven’t valued clarity before, because when things are clear you cannot imagine things, but in relationships you should not fantasize. The other person is not an object of your imagination.

Words aren’t our only language and not even universal, sign language is but we don’t learn that. Word language is the most widely used, along with images. Both are used to manipulate more than communicate. We all do it, most of us unconsciously and we are being influenced unconsciously as well. That’s why I am starting to pay more attention to the words I use and how I use them. I do not care if you speak gramatically correct or if you swear or use “bad” words. I do care if you speak consciously, and if your focus is on bringing down or lifting others.

Example of bringing down : calling an institution that should help people reintegrate into society to deal with being alone in old age or whatever life circumstances got them to (self) isolate or feel alone, Ministry of Loneliness instead of calling it the Ministry for Human Connection.

Most changes in ideas started in the last two months of the year though.

I never thought of a poem or work of art that depicts a woman in a desirable way as objectifying**. I would only be sensitive to a negative depiction of a woman or man, for that matter, like blaming them for something that happened to them. Although, it turned out I am not sufficiently sensitive to that either. However, I follow some photographers specialized in artistic nudes, performers that have shows in which they are naked, pole dancers etc. The difference from their art and objectifying is that in the latter the body is depicted as an object of desire, not an object of expression. I was thinking lately about dancers who use their bodies to express something and how I used to view performers, in exactly this way: for the duration of the performance their bodies are objects of expression, they are no longer humans. Since I started dancing myself though, I appreciate them more from a human point of view as I also understand how some of the movements feel through ones body, the effort it takes and that there is someone with intent and emotions that produces whatever I see and enjoy. It is also something I or any viewer is not entitled to, but is a gift from the performer that they chose how and when to give. I find the conceput of “fan” as unhealthy as well, and I grew up being a fan.

Another thing I realized this year is that people can change no matter the age. My mom is proof of that. Since September we had some really hard conversations and she responded to my anger without getting upset in return, as she used to, but with understanding and kindness. This made our relationship evolve to the point where I can resolve some things with myself as well. Also, that idea that parents will never truly admit or apologize for what they might have done wrong raising someone is wrong, because that is possible but it takes a lot of hard talks and willingness from both sides. It’s true you shouldn’t expect that to happen, but not confrunting the issues isn’t helping either.

The idea that you will understand your parents when you have your own children is just a lazy out to not solve the issues you have with them and perpetuate the same bad behaviour with your children.

On this occasion I found out I was born stressed which is ok since I do not perceive stress as negative. I would rather say I was born angry for the same reason, as I shared the womb with a fibroid that grew as large as I was, and almost killed both me and mum (something she never told me before). I guess that explains my inate desire to be alone and have my own space. Some people have even found out the hard way that getting into my space isn’t advisable, including a person that I  adore, but would rather do that from two squares away though she keept insisting on getting closer. I have made some conscious efforts to be more open to people. I used to dislike hugging people unless they were familiar enough. However, I think I still need to be the one who chooses or initiates the getting closer to feel ok. At least now I have an idea where that may be coming from.

There is one being that can overcome my dislike to share my space, but even he ends up locked outside of my room if I decide I’d rather be alone. Otherwise, he does not really care that I put him down when he climbs over me at night to make his sleeping nest on my lap. He will get back up over and over again.

The last thing that I realized is a need to forgive myself for situations in which I am disappointed. I cannot not not have expectations, nor can I make sure that they are being fulfilled, but I can take the best of each situation and cut ties that are not beneficial. I did say it is easier for me to take the blame for a situation because I can forgive myself more easily than others, but the truth is that when I feel that I have no blame for a situation that turned out not as expected and that I consciously blame the other, I unconsciously blame myself more for getting in that situation or expecting something that I really wanted and needed and dared believe it can happen but wasn’t up to me to give/ get. My anger goes towards the others, but it is a way of self punishment as well and it deepens the mistrust of people that I have been working on for the last year to heal, and kindof lost all progress in the past four months.

I also got sickness fatigue (didn’t say covid, because that is not amongst my ailments) which makes me susceptible to spiritual bullshit. I should read again Sue Fitzmaurice’s book just as an anchor.

*if Ticutz is not “my cat”, he is the cat that lives in the same house as me or what ? 😂 It’s a process 🙃

**I consider depiction of fruits you can put your finger into as metaphor for a woman as more objectifying than a photo of boobs or a vagina, as it does not require consent from the fruit to stuck your finger into it.


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