Canceled emotions

Last weekend was a rollercoaster of emotions, to the point where Sunday morning I was exhausted, and I couldn’t even form that thought. I needed to be alone, but I wanted to finish the experience also. I did, because I unfortunately do not listen to myself.

Last weekend started on Thursday. That evening some of the people I was going to spend the weekend with met up to know each other. We played a game of asking each other questions that didn’t go as expected for me, as I asked a question that disturbed the questioned person, because it was asking for profound reasons, three to be exact. Furthermore, I made the mistake of actually counting them. 😅

I did feel socially and emotionally drained just two weeks ago when I took the decision to remove some of the stressful activities. Also, I finished the second work in my project and that left me relaxed, but also disconnected. I put everything on pause, so when asked what I expect from this weekend, I answered ‘connection’.

However, I already made it so that this one person did not want anything of the sort with me.

Nonetheless, we connected really well while dancing Saturday night, so much so that the whole group got contaminated by our same moves that felt effortlessly in sync. That was a huge surprise and the best part of the weekend by far, though it was full of so many amazing moments.

It was a dance wandering trip in the mountains. We did climb to Piatra Arsă and danced part of the way, in the forest.

I remember that when I was going to the mountains, I did feel like dancing when the path would allow, but I never could share that feeling with someone before now. That was wonderful.

However, this climb was challenging. I knew it would be hard. I haven’t gone on a mountain climb since last summer and it felt like this would be harder. In order to make sure I make it, I decided to keep the rythm of the group. I even accompanied it in my head by counting 1, 2, 3, 4 with every step, and note when the rythm changed. This made me realize that the reason I get tired in groups is because I follow my own rythm, and only slow down when forced by the rest. The lack of constancy is why I get tired fast.

Tiredness came eventually, and coldness. Up on the mountain ridge, there was snow everywhere. It even started snowing with huge snowflakes as big as polyester round fragments. Fortunately, Cosmin and Flavia started calling the sun to come out, and it did. ☀️

Going down the snowy slopes was the most fun for me. I was gliding down, and realized I would actually be tempted to snowboard. That was such a new realization. Something I never considered before.

When we were back in Sinaia, I had a feeling of calmness, and belonging. It felt really nice and I felt really at ease like I was floating and not tired anymore.

We also danced where we were staying in Sinaia. It was a contemporary dance workshop after all. It was during one of these sessions that the connection I spoke of above happened. It was a really special atmosphere.

Unfortunately, the conversation that followed after the dance on Saturday took me out of that state and made me aware of how tired I am. With all that I left out the past two weeks, I still had way too much to do, and now I just wanted to be alone.

I am not very patient, and after this Saturday, I just wanted the workshop over. This led to me taking some very rush decisions, not doing things properly as I know I could have because it crossed my mind, and eventually crushing into an electricity pole with the car. What I thought was to ask the people that were supposed to come in the car with me to climb in after I start it because I thought we would be to heavy and the slope was too steap, but then I thought the breaks should hold …

The car was parked on a steap down hill road and, as I pressed on the clutch pedal, the car started going down before I could even start the engine. All I had the presence to do was to avoid hitting the cars parked in front of me, but I did hit the pole across the narrow road. Otherwise I was quite paralyzed as I had no idea why the car started moving before I started the engine. Turns out most probably the handbrake wasn’t properly pulled. It wasn’t bad, but I was shocked and pissed, and way to drained to deal with that.

Thankfully, the guy leaving in the house next to that pole helped me get the car running again, and that was that. Until, I got home and slept, I didn’t realize that avoiding going to the police wasn’t something I could leave with. Therefore, not only that I went back to Sinaia the next day, but I also did everything I was avoiding to do since the begining of this year. All in 24 hours. Hopefully, I won’t need to crush into something next time I have stuff that I have to do, but don’t feel like it.

About the guys that helped me, I was informed by the people accompanying me, that they were rude. I didn’t notice. I was gratefull they helped. I figure they could have talked nicer, but then again, I could have not crushed into a pole. We do what we can. All we can hope for is not to hurt anyone.

It seems that this weekend was a sandwich of learning and enjoyable experiences. It’s quite complete, but left me feeling no-thing.

Fortunately, this week I am going dancing on my island of happiness, and yesterday I left the place inspired and energized. 💃🏼


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