I could be this person, but I am not…

Yesterday, my flamenco teacher told me that I give her a very good vibe, because I am a calm, gentle and warm person. She might have seen the look of mistrust in my eyes, as I am neither of those things because she added, that this is how I am when I’m in her class.

I thought about it, and it’s true. I am perticulary patient when I am in her class. I am not afraid to fail. I take my time to assimilate the moves. I keep trying thought sometimes it feels like there is almost no progress. Yesterday, we practiced three simple steps. She wanted to add hand movements that we have been practicing for the last month or so, but I can bearly do the steps in rythm. However, the class passed quickly and in good spirits, as any failure is met with humor and understanding, rather than shame.

I realized that she is enabling me to be gentle and so on. She says that I enable her to be patient and calm. Must be a that both are true.

She says she transforms when she sees me, and everything is good no matter if she was just recounting something negative on the phone a moment before. That happens because her focus moves from herself to me. The fact that she is willing to let go for a while of all that is her and focus on me is her merit and it’s not easy. It is also beneficial to both.

She has a lot of opinions that are very well defined ans fells like sharing with me a lot, which I don’t mind. These are the type of opinions my dear dove used to tease me about, probably because she was lacking the courage to have any for real, only pretended to. Speaking of the dove, my flamenco teacher is so much like her and yet so different. At the core, they are the same: figures of authority, strong willed, great self esteem, can be impulsive(but I never withnesed that, my teacher told me). Physically they are quite similar too. Born under the same sign. I do not want to believe there is anything there, but it might contribute somehow.

In other words, she is the perfect person for me to listen to, follow and therefore teach me anything, especially something of the force of flamenco that goes against my gentle nature. Because if I think about it, I am gentle, usually. It’s only when I get angry that I have the force to do anything. That’s why I identify myself so much with my anger. That’s when I can move mountains. Though I usually just topple them on the head of someone who may or may not deserve it. It is also the reason, I do not perceive myself as gentle, though the way I dance is so indicative of that.

Yesterday, my teacher asked me to dance on the song we were practicing on, as I felt. She was pleased that indeed I follow the music well. However, I am too gentle, in that I do not have accents in the movement, or as I’m told when I go to contemporary dance workshops, I do not end the movements. I can do that if I am consciously focusing on creating accents, I did that only last Thursday during an exercise, but if I move as I feel to move, I do not do that. It’s almost all weaves and continuous movement, like a Kant phrase. I only put a stop at the end of the song, and that might actually just be “…”.

At any rate, the fact that she did this exercise with me felt very good. After almost an hour of practicing the same steps, I felt free while dancing and left with that feeling of soaring, because that song give me the feeling of floating.

In conclusion, I can be this person, that is kind and warm and calm, only in an environment that is good for me. Otherwise, anger kicks in. Specifically, when I perceive something as injust. Here is a whole other conversation…

Last night, I went to see a performance that was so powerful and vulnerable at the same time. It gave the perfect environment to be vulnerable which is a blessing. It was also an opportunity to have the confirmation that I am not the person my flamenco teacher sees, as a woman that saw me in a different context, was there. She saw me get angry at another woman who was dealing with her anxiety by being extremely positive and was demanding that everyone be the same. She told another artist that she shouldn’t suffer for art, that art should bring only happiness… Oh, please…

The woman I met last night, liked my attitude, but the one it was directed at didn’t … obviously. She went on to be passive agressive, not only to me, but everyone else at the workshop. This got me to realize, my attitude was not ok either. I identify myself so much with my anger, that I cannot fully control or chanel it properly… It’s a process.

Do I want to be this person? Yes.

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