Opening up

I spend a lot of time in my head, but sometimes I find the right people I can speak to and I am greatful for each and one of them for the right time they allowed me to open up to them.

Somehow when I get to trust someone that much I end up disappointed because, so far, they used what I told them to judge me, but there is always hope that this new* person will not be like that.

The benefit of speaking to someone is that it clears up things for you. Maybe you have noticed that things always sound better in our heads. Writing stuff down helps, but talking to someone is better. Especially if that someone knows how to listen and maybe will ask the right question or the question you were afraid to ask yourself.

I am lucky to be able to pick people like that and to be willing enough to be vulnerable at times that I can speak to them beyond the image I want to project of me. This is why I never felt the need to see a psychologist. Recently, I am thinking about going to one because I want to talk to someone about my childhood and I just realized that even though this pandemic got me really close to my parents I am not ready to talk about it to them, and I also do not trust they will tell me something useful, because I realized that the anger I feel at times, I had it since kindergarten or even before but I do not remember. My childhood memories are bits and pieces and do not go beyond kindergarten. All in all, the anger is older than anything I remember that could constitute a trauma or reason for it.

Still, finding a good psychologist is a challenge and it may be more expensive than I am willing to spend right now. I would rather follow the plan I have right now and find the moment in which my state of mind will allow me to ask my parents about my childhood. It comes into conversation quite often as my friends have babies so when I talk about them, my parents tell me about my brother and me when we were babies, but I need to focus the discussion there though.

Anyway, talking to someone about whatever is in your head helps.

*new in my area of deep trust, which took her 6 years to get to …