I can’t seem to let go this time…

…inspite being very good at it previously.

I enjoy feeling. I also enjoy letting go of feelings. I do not like to hang on to a feeling, person or idea.

One could say I’m afraid of attachment. However, getting attached is something I can do easily, but it is rarely to never beneficial to hang on to something/one which/who isn’t allowing you to do/be what you want. I can’t tell if this is one of those rare times. I will get back on this in a month or two… Or I’ll just move on.

I have let feelings consume themselves and fade away, many times. And I enjoyed watching them disappear into a distant corner of the memory from where they emarge sometimes like beacons (or dark holes of angst …depends on the feeling).

Mostly, I remember the smiles of the people I’ve loved, except my first love. For her, the eyes are the ones that touched me most.

I can put in the effort to stay in touch, to keep someone in my life, inspite of them. However, I can also let go inspite of them wanting to stay. Even after significant emotional (and not only) investment.

I can’t seem to stick to a decision about what I should do with this feeling I have since last year. I do not just want to watch it die …yet, as I am still inclined to keep it alive although it seems more and more like a dillusional endeavour, which might lead to just killing the feeling at one point. It is as dramatic as it sounds for there is no turning back.

I don’t think I’ve ever enjoyed feeling as much as I do now. It’s like a drug. The more you feel the more you want to feel. I get how not feeling can make life seem empty.

However, I would appreciate not feeling (as much) for a while. Being zen. Just have quite inside. Observe without judgment, without rationalization, without the need to make sense of anything. Just take things as they are.


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