…but finding only shadows.
I went to Vipassana courses this spring imagining I will come back most peaceful, but all of my fears surfaced during this time along with a confidance unfamiliar to me. Unapologetic. I used to say I never felt shame or needed other people’s approval, but that wasn’t true. It is now though. Way to consistent, for several months. And I have been tested …or tested myself by putting myself in shit situations out of tiredness, mindlesness and fear. No guilt. Not when I ended up with a car in a ditch two weeks ago, nor when I spilled coffee all over the automatic turnstile entrence doors to my office and my colleague next to me last week or when I forgot my bag at the lunch place that same day.
Everything ended up well… it always ends up well sooner or later.
The car is fine, I was trying to turn the car around a narrow mountain village road. Above my driving skills. Or not. What I took from this? I met someone who gave me an example of healthy masculinity: empowering, caring and containing.
As I got out of the car to look at how bad the situation was, a man around 60 came out of one of the houses to asses the situation as well. First he made sure I was ok, than he looked at the car saying he can help me get it out if he finds another man to help. Two more showed up, but they weren’t sure they could do it. The first guy reassured them and directed everyone. He told me to take the car back on the road and “we will turn it around afterwards”. I understood one of the guys will, but once the car was back on the road, he said “now turn it around”. I panicked. Didn’t I just end up in a ditch? But he said I can do it and he will be there to help guide me if I need it. I did, and I also turned the car around. One of the other guys offered to do it for me, but this guy told him I should know that I can do this since I travel alone and that I shouldn’t remain afraid after this. 🤩
As for spilling the coffee, I simply could laugh at this with everyone and will probably joke about this for the rest of my time on this job and beyond. It also served as a new example of people being way more kind and loving than we are to ourselves.
From the forgoten bag, I only thought I needed my ID because I had to leave the country in two day, but the passport would have covered that loss. It was my only worry-ish. I was sure I would find the bag. At most the cash would be missing, but we were in a business complex and I am sure people who work in corporations do not steal. I may be naive, but they didn’t this time.
I believe people who steal little are driven by material need due to social marginalization. People who work in corporations are privileged. The work is spirit killing, so bringing a lost bag back might bring some life back to them.
Last week, I forgot my phone on a table next to the door at a yoga event. I went for it after a half an hour. Still there.
I am on a path to renounce material things, but this becomes hilarious.
On my birthday, I went with my best friend to Italy, to meet up with another dear friend who had a personal exhibition there.
Me and my best friends, we went through stuff. We are like family, in the sense that we love each other for who we are becoming and inspite of the shit we have been thtough. We are here, still together because we didn’t give up on each other. I tend to say because they did not give up on me, but I would probably sell myself short …again. We weren’t doing that anymore, right?
She pointed out that this trip was healing. Last time we traveled together it didn’t go so well. It took us both time to get over that. And than, things didn’t align to travel together again. This trip was a spontanous decision, I’m really happy for. We had no time to overthink anything. Haha.
Andreea Badragan’s exhibition was called “The shadow” and it surely had me facing mine. But gently. Securely and supportivelly. Each aspect of the shadow felt familiar and was also very personal. I think whomever looks at them sees …well… themselves. It’s the effect of most art, but this time I feel it’s pretty obvious. I sat down to look at the main display and painted them. I realized that the Ego seemed defiant which Andreea didn’t seem to relate to. Their gaze reminded me of the gaze I have in a photo of me from when I was two years old, which I keep on display in my house as a reminder of who I am doing for everything I am doing lately.
The thing is that I do not see the same thing in the photo as I did on the spot there. It happens often with Froggy, that I see a a [cute] expression on them, but when I take a photo, it’s not there.
Me: “I just don’t see the same thing in the photo.”
Froggy: “That’s because the photo shows me as I am – joyfull. And you see yourself in me – less joyfull” (In Romanian “joyfull” is “veselă” which depending on how you pronounce it can refer to a household item – so an object. Meaning I am less of an object.)
The joy of creating 