I might be a vulcano…

I’ve been thinking since I woke up from total anesthesia* about moments when I felt the calm that eventually came over me that day.

It’s a peace and quite inside, a balance, it feels like everything is how it is supposed to be and that if things are not all well, they can be delt with. I was thinking so clearly that day. No insecurities, no doubts, no worries.

I told myself that I cannot reproduce this feeling at will though I gave myself a tool to do it.

I captured moments like this in writing and I know that when I read what I wrote back then I start feeling the warmth inside again. This warmth that grows inside of me and makes me feel peaceful.

I need the warmth to make space inside of me, to allow me to breathe better, to melt away all the pressure and pain and anything that makes it hard to move, think, feel.

This time, I figured I would capture the moment visually, and I realized it looks like lava flowing though a vulcano.

However, I feel the opposite of what a vulcano eruption would be. Opposite to the anger I felt last month. Opposite to the dispair I felt for the last three months.

And I realized that what happens is that for most of the time that flow of warmth inside of me is blocked by whatever I am concerned with at any moment. So it builds up and then pops.

For the past few days I’ve been looking inside to make space for this warmth to flow, and sometimes it’s painful. Whatever is on my mind is very powerful and won’t make space for peace and quite without a fight.

I don’t have to fight though. The warmth and the thoughts can flow together inside. What is important is the movement, the flow, that keeps me going, I think.

Sometimes it helps if the warmth comes from outside, like I would hold a mug of tea to my chest and just sit still.

Sitting still, that’s a challenge for me…

…and taking the time to focus for just a moment inside when I am engaged in a discussion or doing something. A moment that could …do what? Make me care less, do nothing, disipate my anger in a non violent way?

I also cannot do this unless I am already in a good mind set. I have to want to focus on this flow and my problem for the past months was that I didn’t want anything …or that I previously wanted too much that wasn’t what I needed?…

This feeling of warm peace of mind is different from the calm and relaxation that I feel when meditating or listening to a mantra. The warmth is filling me from my stomach to my head, while meditating creates a flow from my head to my feet if I’m standing or to my stomach if I’m sitting. Huh… Should I meditate standing? 🤔

*turns out that it is normal to experience lack of inhibitions and have all the feelings bottled up resurface and cry hysterically after going through total anesthesia. Wish someone took the time to tell me that instead of asking me “why am I crying” and telling me to “calm down”. Aswholes.