Last year, I went to my first Vipassana course. I wasn’t ready to carry on the practice then inspite of the obvious benefits I’ve been experiencing since, but especially immediately after the course. Nonetheless, I made a plan as I was curious about the experience of serving. However, to serve a course, you have to have continous and exclusive practice of Vipassana since the last course. Therfore, I signed up to sit a course and the serve the next. Solved the countinous exclusive thing haha
There is actually a very good reason they have this request as well as being in good health and a good state of mind. Service is really hard. A great opportunity to develop further in the technique and see it applied practically, but working 10 days straight from 5 am to 10 pm with maybe 4-5 hours of rest and 3 mandatory hours of meditation included, is taxing. Depending on center and number of servers, you may get half a day off.
And yes, I took time off from work for my own benefit, to work for the benefit of others.
1. Not reacting is the key
First story:
I love olives. So I eat them a lot. One day, as I was sitting at the center kitchen table finishing my meal, I put an olive in my mouth and I do not know how I took a breath at the same time and the whole olive sliped to my throat. I observed it going down the throat trying to figure out if it’s small enough to go down the throat or if it will choacke me. I straightened slowly and thought to go to the other side of the kitchen where there might be somebody in case I do choake, but as I straightened the olive was popped out by my throat. The key is that I was relaxed the whole time, not trying to do something to fix the situation, not agitating about it or beating myself up for breathing through my mouth right then etc. The reaction to realizing the olive could go down the throat and choacke me was to observe what happens and the body just fixed the issue.
It is not the first time something slipps down my throat including fish bones, where I just observe what happens without doing anything else unless I feel it is necessary, which never was.
I am, obviously, not recomending to just observe yourself choacking without asking for help. That would be absurd. I do, however, think that to a great extent the body/ throat can expel the too big piece or the esophagus can allow something to slip through if it is relaxed. At leat, that is my personal experience. Please do not try this on purpose to see what happens.
Second story:
I was making the welcome cookies for the course (for 80 people that is). Dunno how I ended up in that situation, but that is another story. I had to take the big tray with all 80 pieces out of the oven. Of course, it was too heavy, but I only reealized that half way out. While I was pondering what to do and made a wrong decision and burned my right forearm a bit, someone asked if I need help. As I started saying that I do not think I can do, I figured out how to grab it and took it out and put it safely on the counter. Hew. The thought crossed my mind that the cookies needed to be served in a few hours with no time to remake them if I dropped them all on the floor, but it was erased by the next thought that we could just give them dark chocholate instead. We were in Swiss after all, and that chocholate was delicious on it’s own.
The story is actually about the burn I got. When I looked at the forearm, it was red, though only a thin line was burned, which I cove4es with honey and continued working in the kitchen while observing the sensations on the burned skin rising and passing away.
2. No need to get attached to a solution which worked
Both the stories above happened also due to me being very tired. I may actually be more non reactive when I am tired as an energy saver, but I would benefit a lot to work in this energy saving mode all the time.
The tiredness plus a rapod shift from snowing to 20C degrees outside, led to me (and others) catching a cold. It was a bad cold though thankfully no headaches or fever, but for the fist day my nose was almost continuosly running and I had to blow it all the time. At Vipassana courses, there are 3 hours of meditation a day (1 hour, three time a day) where you cannot change from your initial postion thr whole hours. Obviously, nothing happens if you do, but it is worth staying still as much as possible for the benefit of the experience.
That morning it was really hard because I couldn’t stay still having to keep blowing my nose. I didn’t bother as much with the thought of bothering others, as at my first course I was pissed with everyone making noises during meditation and came to teh realosation that either they were sick or struggling with the technique, which led me to chanell compation for them. I figured me and the others who were sick would give opportunity to the rest to develop the same compation. However, it felt too frustrating for me to be there and I though to ask the teacher to give me leave to skip qt lest one of those meditations for that day. Before I got the chance to do this though, I observed that breathing calmly allows me to stay longer without blowing my nose. So, I stopped prqcticing Vipassana and reverted to Anapana (just observing the breath). Furthermore, I got the crazy idea to not react, not blow my nose ans see what happens.
As I was sitting there, 10 minutes in the meditation, my nose started running and I was just observing how it was flowing down my nostril to my upper lip and drip drip on my palms which I kept on my lap. I stood like that for one hour, unmoving. Just observing my breath.
Third meditation of the day, I did the same thing. By now, I perceived myself as a nose only haha. I thought about making an essential oil difussor shaped like Bhairava Mudra with a nose above from which a drop of essential oil will fall in the palms shaped difussor from time to time. I would call that Adhīṭṭana 😊
Because I spend the whole day super focused on the breath, my mind was calm and quite as it very very rarely is, so the day went great. The next day, my nose was feeling better and I could sit witjout issues, but then it threatened to start running full on from the other nostril. I felt I couldn’t repeat what I did the first day and I allowed myself the grace of not forcing myself to implement a solution which felt wrong though the situations were very similar. Fortunately, the situation didn’t get that bad again, and I sometimes didn’t move, sometimes wipped my nose as I felt it was best for me according to my energy and mental capacity during each meditation.
Forcing myself would have been misery and that makes no sense, especially in this practice.
3. Why communitues may not work for modern women
During the service, I was very enthusiastic. I did evwrything which was needed, but by the end of it we were all tired though some have rested more than others. Some have rested more because they needed more and they asked for time to rest. I didn’t. Until I broke down at least and they made mw rest which didn’t work out anyway as I cannot rest forcebly. I need quiet and need to be out of the situation which exqusted me. I thought about leaving the center. The reason I stayes is a really nice story which has no place here. However, one evening, we were only two out of seven servers cleaning the kitchen alongside two coordinators, who usually shouldn’t be doing this. I looked at one of them and asked why there is only us in the kitchen and he said the others asked for rest. I frowned. I observed myself. I was getting pissed. He said I could go to if I wanted. The other coordinator was about to protest, but she stopped as she kept on telling me to rest it would have been absurd to stop me when I went for the option. I left not because I could rest, but because I needed to be out of that situation in order to not get pissed and waste my energy on that as well. It worked this time, but it made me think about how women push though and only rest if they must. And it’s not that the ones who were resting, including women, didn’t needed, but when you go out on something you took resposability for doing, someone else has to pick up after you and at that point, anyone picking up after another who was also very much tired. Tiredness which led to conflicts.
Communities should have shared responsabilities and the well-being of each peraon should be the well-being of the whole community and vice-versa. Yes, have self-love it is necessary, but make sure that isn’t just a ego trip. You need this, yes. Now? When it may cause harm to someone else? Can there be another way? Could we all be more considerate of ourselves and each other?
I have alway found myself in the position of understanding others and find myself left behind, because I should take care of myself, I am resposible for my own happiness, and other self-love, new age spiritual appropriated crap commercialised and transformed into a weapon to separate us more.
Also, as a woman, I find I have very ableist mentality and found it in one of the long time servers in the Vipassana center too. This “when I think I can’t, I can a bit more” attitude. Yes, you can but you don’t have to.
There’s also a trend now that says “everything men can do, women cand do while bleading”. Yes, we can do anything while menstruating, but we don’t need to do that, we actually need rest. Historically, in all indigenous societies I know, women took time off and even away from the settlement, to rest, recharge and connect spiritually. Women today ask for memstrual leave, but a trend like this thoigh it seems empowering, os actually very harmful because why do we ask for leave if we can do anything while bleading?
So, this ableist mentality from women has to go before communities can work again. Otherwise, uresolvable conflicts will arise.
I need to mention that in the Vipassana centers I did feel well taken care of inspite of the tiredness and sickness. I did have to ask for help, by I also received help I didn’t know I needed because, especially the teachers, but also the long time servers, seem to be in tune with taking care and watching out after the others. The teacher in Swiss (she wasn’t Swiss though) said that “This is Dhamma”.
4. My biggest fear got redefined
Last year, I said my biggest fear was of my own potential. Last month, during and event I organized espcially for women’s day with an yoga instructor from Timisoara, she asked us to pear and each was the biggest fear of the other. And I named my biggest fear, the fear of being perceived. When I am perceived I have to be somebody, if I do not chose who to be, an identity will be projected on me. I find myself quite often being identified as something that has nothing to do with me, bit it is rather a projection of the other person’s fears, likes or dislikes.
During the Vipassana courses, as the meditation is intense, things may arise and some things which happened in the last four months kinda following the same trend became very present at a physical level. So right now, my biggest fear is of my own reactions. Why? Because I take pride in not reacting and got attached to this change in me in the last two years. I used to be highly reactive and now I am more and more responsive. But I do react sometimes, and that is ok. Even if the reaction has harmful effects. Next time will be better. Anicca.
5. Observing than acting …or not
This lesson is a story time…
…well, all the post was a story time hihi
The joy of creating 
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