Last year, I started to spend the end of the year my way which turns out to be quite unconventional. As last year, I did a period of total fasting (5 days, comparing to 7 last year). However, this year I timed this period to end exactly at the end of the year (last year it ended on Christmas).
Furthermore, I spent the last three of the 5 days of fasting, in darkness and without a phone. I disconnected the internet since the 24th.
I spend a period of time drinking only water, once a year, since 2014. I stared this because I wanted to try out Marina Abramović’s method because as she says “there is no easy way, you have to do it”. However, from one year to the next, I lost the initial idea, and mostly did this to have a period of isolation and a break from my daily whatevers, rather than test my limits and evolve in some way.
Due to the fact that during the last yoga retreat, we were proposed an exercise from Marina’s method, I remembered where this whole drink only water started from and was motivated to not only do the method (as I can adjust it to me home), but add some of the exercises Marina proposed her students when she was teaching.
The darkness period was added also due to the yoga retreats I went to which comprised a period of darkness in the begining, but I was always curious what it would be like to also not eat during this period since food made it so easy for me. I felt like a cat and thought I could live like that forever.
So, I made a plan of what to do during those 5 days, from 27th to 31st December.
27 and 28 were spent counting rice, since this was something I couldn’t do in darkness. Additionally, I went for walks since it was very nice outside. I did some drawings. I also decided to draw on tree a day, everyday until the notebook ends. One of the trees was made of rice.
On the 28th, I read a book where continuous prayer was the main focus of the characters, which gave me the ideea to at least do the mantras I was doing anyway, 108 times.
My usual routine is to meditate + sing a mantra in the morning, and to meditate, do Gomukhasana for at least 20 min and sing another mantra, before going to bed, preferably between 23 and midnight. This was integrated in the plan. To manage holding the asana at least 20 min, I estimated around 450 breathes would be 23 min or so. So I had to count. I usually repeat an intention as a mantra (the same every time) which I also kept. Breathe in number, breathe out intention. This ensured I couldn’t rush the breath too much to finish faster. Hihi. Usually, I have a timer so it’s not important how fast I breathe and breathing slower keeps me calmer and lessens any pain that might turn up from stiffness.
From 28th evening, after I isolated my windows and turned off the light I was in darkness and started the exercise of doing everything very slowly for 24 hours (I kept it up until I went to bed the next day). Once I started moving slowly everything I did felt like a meditation. I was quite fascinated. Moreover, I started chanting Shambo in my head almost continuously. It’s not something that I could keep up moving normally the next days, only when I was standing still (including in the mind). So, on the 29th, I walked very slowly around the room, I drank water slowly, as well as any other action I took, I tried to take it as slow as possible. My mind cleared and I could see concrete steps I need to take to do whatever I was thinking about doing in the begining of 2025. I wrote down (in the dark, yes) what seemed most important to me, though the ideas didn’t leave me through the days, but only became stronger. The writing I didn’t manage to do slowly though, even if opening the notebook and all the other actions around were slow. I didn’t even think about writing slowly, the ideas just needed to flow out. Drawing slowly was a challenge also. I spent an hour drawing a tree, but every time a thought came, my hand would move as usually again.
Similarly to the last two times I went in darkness, I had a moment of panic the first day which I released in drawing every time.
On the 30th, the exercise I took from Marina Abramović was opening and closing a door very slowly without passing through it for three hours. Initially, I wanted to count here as well, but when I tried this on the 24th with a timer, I noticed the fridge made a sound as it run something in it’s system kindaof hourly, so I used that instead which was a blessing. Marina says that after three hours the door isn’t a door anymore. The thing is in darkness there was no door to begin with. Basically the door wasn’t a door for me when I started. It could be anything: an obstacle, a pretext for movement, a friend on whose shoulder you can rest your head, a friend you are supporting, a guide, someone you are guiding, a walking companion, and so on. A portal to the darkness beyond hihi
This day, I did something not planned previously, but about which I had a curiosity. I did 20 minutes-ish of Nadi Shodhana (aroung 200 complete* breaths) which gave me anxiety attacks during the retreat in October. I didn’t have this experience this time. Whatever release of tension I went through in that retreat seems to have lasting effects. When I finished, I had this thought:
“The manifestations of the Cosmic energy that graces us with life are infinite and are all equally valid as they provide experiences to this energy.
And while I think that this energy is indiferent to whether those experiences are pleasing or not to the individual, I would very much like to live in a world where we could ensure those experiences to be pleasing for everyone as far as our capabilities and limitations make it possible.”
The mantra I sing at midnight is Asatoma and has four lyrics. I thought to replace it with something shorter. On the 29th, I sang Aum Namah Shivaya, but I decided on the 30th to try to sing Asatoma 108 times. My brain drew a blank at 74. I couldn’t for the life of me tell myself what is the next number. Also, my brain refused to command my mouth to sing. I stood there, but got out of lotus pose since my left foot was screaming in pain. I accepted that this is all I could right then. Next time, I can do more. I thought I could have probably pulled it off if I was doing this with more people. Actually, I just needed someone else to count for me. Last May, when I came from the first yoga retreat, I was singing along with a recording on YouTube that was repeating the mantra 108 times. I remember never being able to stay though the whole thing because I couldn’t hold the lotus pose. Now, I can, even with all the discomfort. So, I plan to test if I can sing along with it ’till the end this time (set to try on the 11th).
Counting turned out to be the end of me on the 31st. This day I had no exercise from Marina planned. Though I did hold and lament at my stuffed frog instead of a tree, so maybe that counts. 🐸
Instead I thought it would be so awesome to do 108 sun salutations, in the dark, to a hypothetic sun who was there somewhere on the sky. I got this “great” idea from my spiritual guide in Bucharest, who planned an event at the studio that morning to do 108 sun salutations with whomever wanted to join.
I was worried the evening before that not eating for four days left me too weak to do it, but I figured that four days is too little to weaken the muscles. It takes weeks for that to happen. Also, I know that I have more strength in my arms than in June when was the last time I did 108 sun salutations, and much more strength in my back muscles. The legs must be better too. Not really focused on them when I train. Though I should 🤔 Anyways, I started doing the sun salutations and the body moved flawlessly. The mind though 🤣 I had to keep her in check to not skip a number, but the cryptic in my head started saying “no cheating” and from there on I knew I could trust my mind to count correctly. However, she would occasionally urge the body to move faster, but the body was doing her thing not paying any attention to the mind. And yes, I was observing all of this with detachment and maybe a little amusement. The voice of the cryptics** is soo cute and funny to me.
However, my state of mind was not stelar that day. Doing the 108 sun salutations was all I could do. I didn’t feel like doing the morning meditation, but I was drifting in and out of my mental library, going from chatting with parts of my mind, to chanting Shambo, to being quite or thinking about food, specifically a rice cake. So much so, that my mental library turned into this rice thing.
From the realisations I made while in my mental library is this:
“The victim [part of me] is the bearer of all the shame I integrated in my life and failed to acknowledge***.”
I figured I could tell when it’s midnight and the end of the darkness period, because I will hear fireworks, but people started shooting fireworks since the sun went down. I have no idea why since it was misty anyway. I kinda estimated when midnight will be and sang 108 times Shambo and when the “real” fireworks started shortly after I finished singing. I though I’d open the window and enjoy …the mist. I could not see anything, not even the building next to mine.
The first day of the year was misty as well. The sun looked really creepy. I usually amuse myself to predict my year based on how the first day goes, so I guess it’s going to be misty and creepy year for me. That’s nice, since I planned to relisten to Mistborn from Brandon Sanderson in the begining of this year. Then I thought that with a cryptic, I’m on the wrong planet, which makes sense actually. I’ve always felt that.
The mist was welcomed, since sunny might have been a bit overwhelming when I took the isolation from the windows. I spent the day sorting through my thoughts and writing them down. I talked to my mum in the evening and ate a little bit. I didn’t feel particularly clear minded, inspired or blissful. I had muscle pains from the sun salutations, I could barely move. I thought to try the asana anyway, even if I won’t last 20 minutes. To my surprise, the pains disappeared when I set into the pose and did it with ease.
On the 2nd of January, when I set down for my morning meditation, I decided to not go into my mental library at all, but directly away from it, in a place of quiet. I cannot convey the feeling of blissfulness I felt. Also, I kept repeating to myself “the part of me who acknowledges the pain, is not in pain“. I did this until my eyes opened involuntarily and afterwards I sang Babanam Kevalam 108 times. I came out of lotus pose feeling like I spent there only ten minute, but more than 45 minutes have passed.
Usually when I was going to this place of quiet, away from anything that I project as being me in my mind, I was going physically, I had a body, but now I was just a consciousness in nothingness. The best part of being in darkness the first time was this exact feeling when the room was fully dark and there was no space or time and if I was standing still, my body wasn’t there either. I felt this way the second time I went in darkness retreat. However, this time I didn’t feel this way, but it seems I integrated the feeling though in my meditation.
This day, I felt blissful. The sun was shining and everything**** was joy.
*I realized that during the retreat I wasn’t doing the complete breathe, but only breathe in on the right nostril and breathe out on the left. This has a completely different effect on me, so maybe I try it this way on the 12th of January. I plan a no internet weekend then too.
*cryptics are characters from Brandon Sanderson’s Stormlight archive. They are the spren of the artists. Spren are material personalizations of ideas.
**I actually have a post not published from 2023 in which I state that if I was thinking back then about my childhood I could not find any instance when I felt shame. I thought I was not capable to feel shame, but now I can remember several. Before I couldn’t feel the shame behind the anger I felt when thinking about those moments.
***except the noise from the ambulances passing on the bulevard
The joy of creating 