Strawberry people

I’ve made some ceramic strawberry brooches and gave them to some of my people. Some know what they mean, some don’t.

So let’s start from the beginning.

I tend to treat everyone the same. I have been told a lot of times thoughout my life “I bet you do not treat your parents this way”. My dear… Yes, I do 😂 By treating everyone the same, I mean I am helpful and nice and reliable and give it all when I have resources, and I am angry, sensitive, snappish and could just disappear when I do not. It doesn’t matter who you are. My best friend told me more than once, “I can’t believe you gave up on that old friendship.” Knowing someone for a long time means nothing. Shared memories, feelings, bonding etc. …I got nothing.

On top of this, as a trauma response, I suspect anyone who is (too) nice of hidden motives, hypocrisy and deceit.

On top of that, I grew up in what I came to find out was an unsafe home, but since it was my family’s house and I thought that it was, society induced that to me, the safest place, I actually find unsaftey as safe and vice versa. Unsafety is known and comfortable. That’s why I can travel alone and go out at night with no issue and do unsafe things. I am not brave, not unaware of the danger either. I’m just, not only used to the feeling, but I like it. The trippy part is that I found out that the people I think the most of, I need approval of, are not people I care for, love or have any positive feelings for necessarily, but those people I am unsafe around.

Until recently (2019), the people who were my friends were those who put in an effort to be my friend (with two exceptions, I did manage to acquire two safe people with concious effort, not fully lost, am I ? hew! 😅). I wasn’t thinking about those people much or felt like I have any particular attachment to them. They were just there, either by context or huge effort I am forever thankfull they put in (great shout out to my strawberry sisters. Love you ❤️).

The concept of strawberry people changed my view on friendships and relationships in a way that better serve my needs and allow me to be safer, less hurt and less angry.

I got the idea of strawberry people from Devon Price’s Unmasking autism. The term is actually coined by Sam Dylan Finch and refers to safe people, chosen family, people you can be unmasked around.

I got to ask myself who was nice to me for no reason and check on those people more. I looked at people who have been there since forever it seems and have seen me breakdown, be weird, too loud, too quiet, unexpected, unresponsive, you name it, and who stuck around*. I focused on those people particularly, which resulted in changes like instead of meeting a certain friend once or twice a year, in meeting her almost every month. I still have a hard time on prioritizing and I also had my eyes pop out of my head to see how many of those people are. With two in Switzerland and one in France, I also gained certainty that distance and time won’t break the bond. In two cases, our friendships had a several years break without speaking, and reconnecting was so emotional in one instance and so organic in the other, as if we never stopped speaking for longer than a week. 

Those people are marked in my phone with a strawberry as Sam did with his friends, so I would know to prioritize answering to them and not others because I also tend to be very responsive and any message is like an instant message that needs to be answered right f***ing now. Since then, I have managed answering even in days to certain people. I do not feel the urgency anymore, not even with my people because I know they are still there in an hour or a day. I’ve just been to a yoga retreat** six days with no phone. No tragedy happened and I wasn’t worried one moment while I was there.

In time, I have decided to make something for these people so that they would also know and be reminded what they mean to me, that they are making a positive difference in the life of someone, and, most importantly, that there is someone on their side no matter what. The ceramic brooches and strawberry people have come to mean to me the people, I chose to hold space for: no judgement, no expectations, no obligations.

Bad habits die hard, so I do loose my way at times, but now I have a reminder of where I need to put my energy, which is still so limited.

*it’s more than just sticking around though, it’s also me feeling safe, truly safe, around them. Learning what safety actually means.

**this changed my view on things in a radical way, but in the current context, all the above still stands. Without my strawberry people I won’t be able, or it would be increasingly harder, to do what I feel I need to do. Thank you and love you to no end ❤️

L.E. it is a trauma response and a safety net. And it is too soon to let it go, even though in my new life view it is limiting me.

L.L. E. If we are considering our essence as being undifined, basically just being without any other label, and that existing in this society implies taking up roles according to situations without attaching ourselves to those roles, than strawberry people are those people around whom we do not need to take up any role, we can just be whoever we need to be in that moment for ourselves.