Continuous failing

About 8 years ago, I bumped on the concept of continuous improvement and my eyes sparkled because it was exactly what I felt one should do: strive to be better than they were before. Or at least not get stuck in something, specifically I was peeved with artists who have found a way of expression and would just copy themselves for the rest of their lives.

However, I got to wonder when you are trying to be better, it is from who’s point of view? Yours or society’s? Because you just might be the best version of yourself right there (highly unlikely since growing up in this society most likely has beaten your true self into submission), but you get what I mean. You should be better from your point of you. Closer to the person you need to be, not others.

Down the line, I realized that what has gotten me to where I am now wasn’t being good at something from the start, not even, or especially not, in art, but by trying and failing until I was getting a result I needed to be satisfied.

So scratch continuous improvement, I believe in continuous failing now. Fail it until you make it.

I’ve been thinking a lot about how my brain works, and for the past year specifically, about how I learn.

I seem to have learning leaps, like babies and toddlers do. It’s like I accumulate a lot of information that does not seem to go anywhere and then all of a sudden I can do stuff.

Some examples:

The first year at the university I struggled with the “right” way to hatch. My problem was that I was hatching in a way that made the drawing look dirty and I could do it “properly” only with ink or charcoal, but professors insisted we use pencils for whatever reason, and I struggled with understanding how to use them. In an inclusive and ideal society I would have never been forced to use a medium not suited for me, but there I was, struggling for a year, and then one day …puf! I could hatch without making the drawing dirty.

Another example involves moving. I have quite poor proprioception. If I am not focused on a certain part of the body, it’s default is not the best suited way to be. For instance today, I realized that when walking on ice I focus so much in where and how I step, that my shoulders are tucked to my ears and my arms ar bent at the elbows and wrists, and stiff. I realize that this makes it more likely for me to actually hurt myself if I fall, because I would react slower to cushion my fall and I would be too stiff to absorb the impact. However, if I do not focus at the same time with placing my foot perpendicularly on the ground and keeping my core stiff, to also relax my upper body, especially my arm, they go into that creppy monster – like position. I have to focus on putting all of the sole of my foot on the ground because I walk on the exterior of the sole and I place the heel first.

When I was 15 years old, I went to have a medical check before starting taking glider classes, and the doctor said after checking my balance that I was exceptional at it. So I have exceptional balance based on my inner ear. However, I keep falling during yoga practice. I have a hard time doing the dancer pose, for instance. Why? Because of how I keep my sole on the floor, mostly. I also tend to go to the right.

When I was flying the glider, it would be a bit tilted towards the right because that’s how it felt straight to me.

Now when I’m doing the feet up practice because I want to learn to stay on my hands, I realized that my feet are also tilted towards right a little bit and, of course, this creates an imbalance.

So, I need to practice and correct my position until I get the hang of it. Now, typically if you see yourself and know you have to keep your feet towards the left a little bit to actually be straight or if someone corrects your position to the proper one,you could just go ahead and do it. Not me. I have to try and fail, until at one point I will get it.

One of the contemporary dance coreographers I was taking classes with, noticed after months of classes that I finally made progress, but he realized that the progress seemed a lot all of a sudden and that it is a valid way to learn just like noticing small progress each time.

I can’t explain how I get it other than the information accumulating and just setteling in at one point. This point can be sooner or later, consisntancy and perseverance are key.

I have other examples, but the one with the body is the most important for me right now.

“There is dignity in risk, in having the opportunity both to succeed and to fail. There is dignity in being visible, in having the chance to be judged in a way you didn’t expect. In fact, most of the positive stories I’ve heard about someone’s struggles with disability and stigma involve some failures. Nearly every negative story about disability and stigma is about someone who has been sheltered, protected, and denied the opportunity to fail.”

Nobody’s normal by Roy Richard Grinker

“To me, the definition of a master is someone that fails continuously yet continues on the path of mastery regardless of failing.”

Making peace with autism by Zoe Martin