I went today to a Wim Hof workshop* held by my air yoga instructor. I went out of curiosity, because when I first heard about it I thought that’s something I can’t do, then with the switch in my brain from this spring, I figured I should be able to do it, except doing the preparation for the workshop – taking cold showers and exercises was next to impossible with depression. So now, seemed a good time since taking cold showers proved to be manageable and maybe even little enjoyable.
I had three moments during this six hours workshop when I asked myself what the fuck I was doing there.
The first moment was when the instructor spoke casually about “checking out” and how we need to lower our hear beats / minute because the heart has an expiration date (which actually makes sense) and cannot do more than a certain number of heart beats / lifetime. He spoke about how when we surpass half of our heartbeats the body starts to give signs of aging like white hair. Why he mentioned white hair and not wrinkles or losing one’s hair, I cannot fadom. At any rate, I only hope I get to have complet white hair before I die and that it will be long-ish. Unless I change my mind of course. About the length, I wanted compete white hair since I was 25. I even bleached it once, but it is hard to maintain. Anyway, my body is getting ready to check out. I am not opossed to that.
The second time I asked myself wtf I was doing there was when the instructor was presenting the benefits of Win Hof breathing and mentioned the entering a flight or flight mode as something good for depressed people, because breathing rapidly makes your heart pump more blood (I thought it was supposed to beat less🤷🏼♀️) and that makes you alert and will help someone with depression to get out of a lethargic state. Good luck makeing a depressed person breath rapidly for no reason 😅 I mean you might make them, but they surely won’t make themselves do it. And they will just fall back to that lethargic state right after the adrenaline is gone. Fall even deeper. But they might function in the mean time, maybe do some chores or take care of themselves superficially, so they don’t “check out”.
Also, my brain enters in fight or flight mode quite easily. So much so, it’s exhausting, even if I learned to soothe myself. So I don’t need to look for additional ways to do enter that state.
The third time was when I went to the bathroom after the lunch break. I entered in the bathroom, which cannot be clocked and someone was in, so I went to the bathroom upstairs and same thing happened. I thought I should have knocked both time. That was the socially appropriate thing to do (although I knocked later and even when I was in someone knocked but the couldn’t hear through the door when I said it was occupied and neither did I). I think the lady who was in got upset, though I apologized and she said “Don’t worry”. I realize people just say that without meaning it, same as when they apologize. Anyway, I realized later that I was relaxed and haven’t even thought about knocking the first time. However, at the time, I just started to realize I might be overwhelmed by the end of this experience and not sure if curiosity was really worth it. I was already not afraid of cold water anymore.
I did distract myself during the time the instructor was explaining by looking into the mirror which was reflecting us and the mirror behind me creating a gorgeous infinite image with a multitude of us. It was really beautiful.
The breathing exercises were really good and relaxing and helped me when I went into the ice bath. I did do Wim Hof breathing before, in 2020,because the conductor of the percussion band I was learning from had us do that, and I even did this kind of breathing all by myself at times I needed to relax that year. I now do breathing exercises when meditate and whatever the benefits those exercises may or may not have, I has issues with breathing properly all my life until I started doing this. I was blaming biking and pollution before, but it seems those weren’t the issue as they haven’t changed.
I thought that I might dissociate from my body while in the water in order to be able to do this. I didn’t fully do that, but I was no where near as aware of the distress of my body as I thought I was. The mind might have told me that I was ok and focused on breathing, but my body felt like this:
However, I did come out revigorated.
Also, the instructor was really supportive and knew exactly how to help each and every one of us go through this experience to be as pleasant and beneficial as possible.
When I got out, the sun just went into the clouds and for a bread moment I thought I would get colder, but I started doing some exercises the instruyhad us do before and after going in, so I was ok in the end.
Some of the exercises were done in pairs and most were with bent knees. The first were overwhelming for my mind, the second for my body.
There were two exercises that implied trust in the others and that was additionally challenging as I thought I am over that, but not if I am tired, so basically I am not over trust issues regarding others (this is a whole other topic of realisations). The first exercise went ok, but the second, the took my feet from the floor before I was ready and not having control over my position unfocused me and made me panic, but the instructor intervened and helped me do th exercise. I realised that if I want to put myself in a position, I have to consciously tell every part of my body where to go, it won’t just adjust on the fly, so I have to do things slower than most people who can just adjust in the moment. At least until I get the exercise, which also happens slower and to be frank I have no idea when an information will sink in. It doesn’t matter if I understand it theoretically, practically my body will do it when she’s ready, whenever that is…
By the end of this workshop I was dead tired. My mind was relaxed, but my mind being relaxed means I do not have to worring/ stress gate of “am I socially acceptable” on. Which meant that I didn’t want to talk to anyone, didn’t smile, had a blank gaze, I wanted to be alone.
Two moments were notable from this point. When we were around the pool of ice we were supposed to get it, five people waiting to put out hands in water of a few minutes, I was looking around and there was a woman talking very much who got into a debate with a fellow UK compatriot on district rivalry and when I shifted my gaze on her she became very self aware all of a sudden like I was looking at her in a disturbing way, but I couldn’t control the expression on my face at this point. I had no energy for that. Nor could I smile.
Also, while I was keeping the hands in the ice water, I chose to keep them for 4 minutes, and after some time the person who has to keep them three minutes took them out, I asked the instructor if four minutes didn’t already pass and he said : “You have to keep them for 5 minutes” and I instantly took my hands out. No thinking. Fuck that. I did not agree to five minutes. Had he answered : ” there are 20 sec more”, I would have kept them there.
The second moment was in the end when Mircea asked for feedback and anmes me and I said I don’t know what to say right then and another woman laughed and was like “oh, you still need to process haha”. Well, yes bitch, I also don’t wanna talk rn. Aswholes.
As I went out the door, I was so overwhelmed I started crying. The friend I know about this workshop from, who went last month, she said she felt aches in her body. I wish my body was the issue, but my mind was moosh. I couldn’t focus on anything, felt really bad, but not guilty or dont feel like doing anything kind of way, but just tired. Like in but out. Which is scary to think about.
I thought about not doing this because it would give confusing signals to my body in less than a day, but I finally took a hot bath with salts and damn, did I get out of there refreshed. I am still tired,but no where near that dreadful state. I got in such a good mental place, I could explain assertively my silance throughout the day to my best friend who sent some messages I just ignored and contacted my landlord with an issue in the house I hope he can fix. Also, thought about a b plan just in case, but I’m sure he’ll fix it tomorrow (which means I should clean a little bit. Yay for external motivation. A little cleaning is actually all the house needs tbh).
During the hot bath which might have been too hot 🤷🏼♀️, my brain got reactivated and started thinking rapidly. Also,my heart beats increased as my thoughts weren’t allowing me to focus on keeping my body calm in that hot water. And there goes another month of life I guess, but I would rather live like I am now but for a shorter period of time, than like I was two hours ag ok.
So all in all, hot baths are better for my mental health. Not sure for my body. She is confused.
*Disclaimer: my recount has nothing to do with how well the workshop was held nor should you use my experience to decide if you should go to such a workshop.
The joy of creating 